1 John 4:15

"If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God."

Philippians 1:3-6

"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on until completion until the day of Jesus Christ."

First and foremost, I am sooooo incredibly thankful for all of you who have been put into my life, whether you are Christian or not. Each of you has been such a gift to me, whether as a lesson for me to learn from sin, or as a joyful experience for me to have, each has their own importance that cannot be compared with anyone else. 

This weekend, the world experienced the loss of a wonderful man, Casey Calvert. He was a guitarist in the band Hawthorne Heights, and while I was not exactly friends with him, we were acquaintances, and had many similar close friends. My heart goes out to all of those this loss has affected. 

It is important to let those you care about know that you care about them. I find that I don't let my friends know that enough, and I want to make a better effort to make sure that they know that. In relation to the verse, Paul was living in a jail, torn apart from his church and his people. He was alone and treated poorly, but he found Joy in the connection with his people for their love for Jesus. Even though he was facing pain and death, he found joy in the Holy Spirit. 

Just because people you love don't live near you, or you don't see them everyday, or even speak to them on a regular basis, it is incredibly important to keep them in your prayers and to let them know you care for them. I feel incredibly lonely most of the time, but only because I focus on what is happening immediately around me, rather than stepping back and looking at the larger picture of my life. I have so many wonderful people in my life, and many of them as of late, are christians who I find so much respect and longing for. It has become more and more aware to me, the importance of those Jesus based relationships. I'm so incredibly excited about some of those relationships that have popped up where I didn't imagine. It makes me even more thankful to Jesus, that he is working through me, and changing my heart to help reach my good friends, and bring them closer to Him. 

At the same time, it is hard to realize that I am not alone, and to allow myself to focus on the relationships that I have with people who believe in and love Christ. I had randomly posted in my myspace blog a link to a blog written by one of the ladies at Mars Hill, about the 'Ideal Christian Woman' and a young girl, who I had never even known, came across it, read it, and was spoken to. It was awesome to hear that it had an affect in her life, because I had nothing to do with it. It was Jesus who gave Ms. Alsup [the author], the knowledge to write that blog, and I was merely a vessel to pass it on. 

It makes me want to do more to reach people, but at the same time, I realize that there is nothing that I can do, but rather just have faith in Jesus and trust in His goals for me, and allow Him to use me in whatever way he sees fit. I'm very excited, let me tell you. 

Don't think that I am ignoring my non-christian friends, or that I'm trying to go out and yell at people to repent and meet Jesus. It is not up to me if they find Him or not. Jesus will call people to Him in their own time. Nothing I can say or do will make them believe. I can't even fully explain my own faith or beliefs. But, I do realize, thanks to some advice from a dearly loved friend who is becoming a lead pastor soon!, that I don't have to go out and forcibly evangelize to bring God's word to people, but rather just live my life, with my focus on the Lord, and He will be seen through me to those around me. What a crazy thought! 

I am no where near where I would want to be in my faith, and I never will be, but I am trying. I am so glad to know Jesus and to be a part of his church. 

My overall point is that, even when you feel most alone, Jesus is always there for you to talk to. And if you have a relationship with someone, even if they live all the way on the other side of the world, you are not alone. Reach out to them, and if you share the same faith, your relationship is only that much stronger. Its incredible how the love that Jesus has given us keeps all of his church tied together so tightly. 

1 Corinthians 13:3-7

"3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

I notice that a lot of times you will see this passage, but only verses 4-6. I really feel that verse 3 and 7 are just as important, and really complete the message.

I have read in other parts of the Bible, about how a person can be seen as charitable and caring, but their motives are all wrong. They do things so they will be seen as 'good' and have selfish reasonings: " Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit..." - Philippians 2:3. Its hard to explain, but I see a lot of people, including myself, who search for ways to give and serve, but do so only so it looks good on paper to others, and to themselves. Not that this applies to everyone, but these people are out there.

In regards to a relationship with someone, then the 2nd portion of this verse comes into play. If you truly love someone, it doesn't mean you will overlook all their wrongs, and let them walk all over you. It means that you will show patience, just like you would a small child, and when they do wrong, you will lovingly point it out and show forgiveness. Not point fingers and hold it against them in the future.

I don't have a ton to say on this right now. It's just the daily verse on my desktop. But, I do have to say, that no matter what you do in life, if you don't have love behind it, its not even worth giving or accepting. And if you find someone to care about, make sure that you show them the right kind of love. Not that your relationship will be hearts and stars, there will always be hardships and challenges, otherwise, you'd never learn or grow. But always be patient.

I cannot wait to meet someone who makes me want to do everything for them, and be unselfish and supportive and loving. Its an exciting thing to look forward to, to be with someone who you lose yourself in. Someone who you want to work with and help and love, and when you don't think about the things you'll get out of the relationship. [But don't be blinded by infatuation with someone who takes all these things from you and doesn't show love back to you!]

I guess this past year or so has shown me some of the things that I really want to have in a partner. This doesn't mean it is what I will get, but I do know what I need out of someone, and certainly what I don't need. I know not to chase after people, because if they wanted to be with me, they would, right? I can't force them to love me.

I think that one of the biggest challenges for me, in regards to love, is going to be with my mom. I have no patience for her, and I certainly do not show much love or care towards her. But it is seriously so damn hard. Its sad to say, but I don't know when I'll have it in me to really move ahead with our relationship. It is the most work I will ever have to put up with in my life, and I'm sure that eventually if I don't do something, I will regret it, and I will be questioned about it when I meet Jesus, which scares the crap out of me. I will have no excuses then, and He will know my heart and thoughts even before I can contemplate what I should say to Him! There's no way to lie or cover up at that point. Just get judgment for my actions, or lack thereof.

Anyway, my point is, if you can show love to someone, do it. That is our mission, that is one of the greatest abilities that God has given us, to give something so abstract, yet has the most meaning and reward in our lives. Love is more powerful than anything else in our lives. Jesus was put through horrible tortures and an even more painful death, but he was only able to do so because of His love for all of us, and for His Father. Love overcame all that physical and earthly torture. Unselfish love can get you through anything, it has been proven.

Ecclesiastes 8:7

"Since no man knows the future, who can tell him what is to come?"

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."
- Romans 8:18

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." - Proverbs 19:21

I have been having some major anxiety problems lately. To the point that I want to just cut out some of my close friends, just so I don't bring them down, or burden them with my troubles, especially when I don't even know what it is that is bugging me. Well, I take that back, I do know. There are far too many things always on my brain. Things that I avoid addressing, that I keep hidden away, and refuse to open up and get rid of. I'm not sure what to do about this, but I'm going to need help soon, before something bad happens. Its piling up, and its going to need somewhere to go.

A big part of my anxiety is trying to figure out my purpose and future. Where am I going? What am I supposed to be doing? How do I even make the decision about what to do next? Today I was wondering if I should stay here in Seattle, keep working my job, have a decent income, a nice home, wonderful roommates, and be able to live financially comfortable? How important is that? I'm pretty sure I would much rather be on the road with some of my best friends, barely making an income, and just enjoying seeing the world. But that doesn't set me up very well for a future. On the other hand, who defines what my future should be? Why do I think that it should be me, married, in a home, with a regular job, living a 'normal' life? Society and my parents ideals are smashed into my brain, and I'm not ok with it.

Now, think about the verses I've listed above. All the anxiety I'm allowing myself to have has no purpose other than to harm me. I shouldn't worry so much about whether my choice will be good or bad, or what will happen. Not that I should completely give up thinking about consequences, but I need to think less, because it's holding me back and messing me up.

We will never fully understand our own purpose here in this world. And we shouldn't burden ourselves searching for that purpose. Rather, we should take time to enjoy the short lives that we've been given. God has created us, and created our world, and He has a purpose for each and every one of us, and will see to it that it is fulfilled. Only on the day that we stand in front of Jesus, and are judged by all that we have done in our lives, will we understand what it was all about, and will be given complete peace. And what is even better, is that we have been told not to worry about trivial things. We have been told by our Father, that He will see to it we are taken care of, and given all that we need. So no matter what path we choose to go down, if we keep our faith in Him, we'll always be taken care of. Everyone's purpose and future is different, how am I to know how it is all planned out? Why should I even try to plan it out? "Nothing you ever planned on ever turns out the way you planned..." Man, that Circa line is so true.

I'm going to be ok with leaving work next year. Yeah I have a great job, and I'm financially comfortable, but I know that I'm also unhappy being here every day, and not having any time to enjoy life. I know that I will always have to work, and if touring doesn't work out, its not like I don't have skills or good references to find work. Psh. Wake up, Bridget. Things will always be ok. Jesus loves me, and in the end, that's all that matters.