Luke 6:27-28

"But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you."

"Do not speak to a fool, for he will scorn the wisdom of your words."
- Proverbs 23:9

This is the answer to my previous issue. Among the many other helpful advice I've been given from good friends. But I walked into work this morning, and that was my daily verse. The most I can do is just pray that God will work through their hard hearts, and they're realize that using His Word to try and hurt other people is not what its about. God does not want to make us feel guilty for things, He wants to make us aware of our wrongs, but He also wants us to repent and learn and grow from those actions.

If you had a child, and they did something wrong, because I am sure there is no such thing as a kid who didn't mess up, you would not scream at them and tear them down, only to leave them hurting and in pain, only knowing something they did was not right, and not knowing what they are to do in the future? Of course not. You would reprimand them, explain why they were wrong, and work with them to not make the same error again. That is what a Christian would be able to do with the love that Jesus has given them to show to others. I listened to something this weekend that spoke of the fact that we have the ability to show others grace. But not our own grace, rather, that Jesus uses us as conductors of His grace onto other people. It was pretty cool to hear that as a way Christ uses us individually, in such a way, that we could bring others to Him, and help them along their path of life.

Anyway, I'd like to say that older folks should never expect perfection from a child, but I have to say that about anyone. No one can expect perfection from another human being. We are inherently sinful in nature, so we will always mess up. On either end, whether having been hurt or doing the hurt, the action that we take after realization and conviction is what determines the direction of our hearts. If you take God's words, and use them for your own wrong judgment of those around you, you have become a false preacher. Just knowing what the Bible says does not make you Christian. It is the endless pursuit of Jesus, and the constant struggle to live like Him, and to show love to everyone around you. To use His words to show others the path to Him, and to encourage fellow Christians.

I am so grateful for the constant encouragement I receive from certain people. I'm sure they have no idea how important their few words are in my life, just as I know my own words can become meaningful to others.

"The words of the wicked lie in wait for blood, but the speech of the upright rescues them."
- Proverbs 12:6

Its mentioned many times in the Bible to guard your mouth, and be aware of the words that you say. Imagine being a false preacher, using God's own words to mislead, hurt, and tear down others.....and at the time of judgment, standing in front of Jesus himself and being questioned in those regards? Scary, I tell you. Scary. Before we take verses to try and uphold our own opinions, we need to make sure to meditate on them to be sure that we understand their meaning, and to also be sure not use them as knives into others hearts. I'm not directing that at anyone, but I know I need to re-read that myself and become more aware.

Philippians 4:19

"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus."

How fitting, huh? I know I've read this passage before, and have read others that respond to the same idea, which is that God will always take care of us and give us just what we need. But what we need is not always what we want, or think we should have. But Jesus knows, and gives accordingly. Currently, I have been a little exhausted in most areas of my everyday life, but I am not overly worried about any of them.

I've been having a hard time formulating my thoughts, because there are so many flowing through my head, but in regards to this verse, it is so obvious in my life. I was/am having a hard time with my family, but Jesus gave me wonderful friends, who have given me support and knowledge and advice, which honestly made everything feel better. Especially the words from one person in particular. Its weird, because we can bicker about things pretty well, but whenever I am hurt, confused, or even excited and happy, he's the only one I want to talk to and hear from. He is one gift from the Lord that I am most grateful for.

Anyway, there was a sermon not long ago, going through Philippians, based on anxiety. Relative to our lives, we have a lot of anxiety because of overly worrying about things we have no control over, the anxiety that comes from wanting things we can't seem to have/afford/get, and for just having false idols in general. I found this in Ecclesiastes:

"Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work—this is a gift of God. 20 He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart."

Wealth and possessions don't mean just money and stuff, its everything in your life that you are given. I have seen people, including myself, who have worked far too much, made a lot of money, and were able to buy things they thought they wanted, but still were unhappy.

{EDIT}

I started this post back in December, so I guess I can finish it now. Being on tour has really put me to some tests, that I can see myself failing in terribly. But one of them, is learning to let go of possessions. Not all, I mean, I'm still very in love with my clothes and computer and stuff, but I mean, that I am not worrying about having stuff right now, and I don't worry about having things in the future. So in part, I'm learning to let that go. I'm fairly content with where I am at right now. There will be great stories for my kids someday. 

this is His land

This afternoon, Reggie and I met up with our friend Chole, and we hiked Little Mt. Si. It is 1,576 feet above sea level, and is a 5.5 mile hike, roundtrip. Let me tell you, I'm feeling it right now. Reggie loves to be out in the woods, and I couldn't believe how much energy he had the whole trip. It is now about 3 hours after we got down, and he's snoozing away on the couch with me. This mini-peak, is a baby compared to Mt. Si, which is ridiculous. I'm not ready for that one yet. But at the top of this mt, there is a beautiful view. Its a small area of rock, that you can sit on and see just beauty. It was so quiet most of the way up, and it was a great reward to actually reach the top. Seattle really isn't all that cool, but everything around it is amazing. I wish I'd had a real camera, I would have taken so many more pictures. 

It sure is a shame that I don't make more time to go out and enjoy this world. 

Thanks Chole, for always wanting to come along with me. I have so much fun.

Proverbs 10:12

"Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses."

I'm not sure how to put into words how I feel without feeling so angry and only wanting to cuss people out. There's really only one person I wish I could talk to right now, because he knows about my family and knows me, and is just able to calm me down and make me feel better. I considered him my family, but now he's gone and I don't know how to handle this.

My family, which consists of 3 brothers [one deceased], and 1 sister [my mom] here in the states, and some other family living in England, is the most dysfunctional, stubborn, hatred-filled, unmoving, unchanging, group of people I have ever known. They each talk poorly about each other constantly, always judging, making assumptions, and never talking or even trying to make efforts to not be this way. They lie to each other, and are constantly bickering, and even with extreme situations, turn things around to be about them. It is what I grew up in, and so of course I am the same way.

One of them made a comment on my blog, which I have erased, but left it anonymous, questioning if I pray for my dead uncle. My apologies for being rude, but who are you? And what does it matter to you if I pray for him or not. You've never talked to me about my faith, or Christ, so don't bother acting like you are high and mighty because you attend some church and had your children go through their first communion. I've never seen Christ alive inside of you, but I am unable to make that judgement. You may very well know Him and be struggling to find Him, but it is unnoticeable to me.

Now, what I don't want everyone to believe, or what I would even ever say, is that I am so much of a better person than these people. Like I said, I am just like them. It is why so many of my friendships and my most recent relationships have failed. I have no previous safe concept of 'love' or 'family', and It is really beginning to seriously mess my life up, and I need to figure out how to not continue down this path. In regards to my family, there have been so many unspoken fights, there is so much bitterness and hatred being held against each other, that it would take years of intense biblical counseling involving everyone, and no one is willing to make that commitment, including myself. I know for sure, from previous counseling I was forced into, that my family can act one way towards 'outside people', and the minute we're back in the real world, nothing has changed.

I understand that I am 'old enough to know better,' but really? When you look at what I have been taught...I'm not so sure.

My question is one that I had heard in a sermon Mark did a while back, about persons being bricks in your lives, and how if some people don't change and they do nothing but constantly hurt you, that you have to draw a line and keep them away. The passage today from Psalms is incredibly appropriate. But its forces me into a hard place. The majority of me wants to let my family go, except for my mom, because she is my mom, and I have to deal with her. Even though I don't want to deal with her, I just have to. But the rest of my family, I just don't see it ever getting better. My family does not know the person I am now, they don't know how I have changed, yet they still hold everything I have ever done from when I was a teenager against me. It is impossible to ever make things right with them. I know that for a fact. I have watched it with their own. If you commit a wrong, it will be held in the back of their minds for eternity. Not even a family death will bring them together. They will argue, fight, and do horrible things to each other even in that time.

As a Christian, you are supposed to forgive and love, and move on. I can forgive them for the way they were raised, and for having never been taught to love correctly, but I cannot show them love. They make it too hard, and I am not Jesus. I do not have the grace in me that He does. I mean, even the question someone posted about whether or not I pray for my uncle...it just makes me feel like they are poking fun or trying to set up some type of ruling system that decides whether or not I am doing right. They are almost like the Pharisees, only the Pharisees were actually religious.

I was told not to have anything to do with one part of my family, so why do they haunt me even online, trying to start a fight after months of not speaking?

On top of my own judgments I make on myself everyday for never doing enough or messing up in most things I try, I have my own family making harsh judgments on me. I have to give up on them. They only want to say things to make me feel worse than they feel. There are so many harsh things that we can say to each other. We have each wronged the other in numerous ways. I feel terrible for them, and all I can do is hope the Lord will find them and change their hard hearts, but I cannot be involved anymore.

Jesus, give me strength...

I cry at least once a day. I don't like this. I feel selfish for wanting to pray for myself, but Lord, I need it.

:(