i am currently battling between various paths to choose for my life to go. i can't choose anything and stick with it. i don't think i've ever been able to. i think of everything in the form of school years. so that whatever i was doing the previous year, doesn't have a ton of meaning for my next year, but could if i wanted it to. along with having attended various schools all my life, i also can't live in one place for very long. i can't be content with any choice that i make, and its going to continue to make it hard for me and anyone involved with me, to continue on.
all i know is that i can't stop watching 'when harry met sally.' its probably one of my favorite non-anime movies that i can watch over and over and over and not get tired of it. i've made a lot of bad choices, especially this past week, and i realize that i am sitting around thinking about how terrible i am and how stupid i do things, which is really not helping me at all.
i have not been able to pull myself off the couch all weekend, and its been absolutely gorgeous. i over dramatize every possible thing in my life and make things that happen seem life affecting, rather than the current moment. my own curiosity makes me doubt myself in many ways, and its a real nightmare. i'm supposed to be moving back to seattle soon, but am i doing it just as an easy way to get away from something? i always feel like i lose myself when i'm dealing with another person, and i hate that feeling. like i suddenly lose my own ambitions and ideas, and its just following theirs. i know its not totally true, and that i even let myself get into that trap.
i think i am just so unhappy and uncomfortable with myself that i feel as if i could not make the right decisions to have a life with someone right now. but is that just me making up excuses or is it actually where i'm at? i wish i had a constant life evaluator telling me how i'm doing and letting me know the answers to my own confusion. bah.
