Ecclesiastes 8:7

"Since no man knows the future, who can tell him what is to come?"

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."
- Romans 8:18

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." - Proverbs 19:21

I have been having some major anxiety problems lately. To the point that I want to just cut out some of my close friends, just so I don't bring them down, or burden them with my troubles, especially when I don't even know what it is that is bugging me. Well, I take that back, I do know. There are far too many things always on my brain. Things that I avoid addressing, that I keep hidden away, and refuse to open up and get rid of. I'm not sure what to do about this, but I'm going to need help soon, before something bad happens. Its piling up, and its going to need somewhere to go.

A big part of my anxiety is trying to figure out my purpose and future. Where am I going? What am I supposed to be doing? How do I even make the decision about what to do next? Today I was wondering if I should stay here in Seattle, keep working my job, have a decent income, a nice home, wonderful roommates, and be able to live financially comfortable? How important is that? I'm pretty sure I would much rather be on the road with some of my best friends, barely making an income, and just enjoying seeing the world. But that doesn't set me up very well for a future. On the other hand, who defines what my future should be? Why do I think that it should be me, married, in a home, with a regular job, living a 'normal' life? Society and my parents ideals are smashed into my brain, and I'm not ok with it.

Now, think about the verses I've listed above. All the anxiety I'm allowing myself to have has no purpose other than to harm me. I shouldn't worry so much about whether my choice will be good or bad, or what will happen. Not that I should completely give up thinking about consequences, but I need to think less, because it's holding me back and messing me up.

We will never fully understand our own purpose here in this world. And we shouldn't burden ourselves searching for that purpose. Rather, we should take time to enjoy the short lives that we've been given. God has created us, and created our world, and He has a purpose for each and every one of us, and will see to it that it is fulfilled. Only on the day that we stand in front of Jesus, and are judged by all that we have done in our lives, will we understand what it was all about, and will be given complete peace. And what is even better, is that we have been told not to worry about trivial things. We have been told by our Father, that He will see to it we are taken care of, and given all that we need. So no matter what path we choose to go down, if we keep our faith in Him, we'll always be taken care of. Everyone's purpose and future is different, how am I to know how it is all planned out? Why should I even try to plan it out? "Nothing you ever planned on ever turns out the way you planned..." Man, that Circa line is so true.

I'm going to be ok with leaving work next year. Yeah I have a great job, and I'm financially comfortable, but I know that I'm also unhappy being here every day, and not having any time to enjoy life. I know that I will always have to work, and if touring doesn't work out, its not like I don't have skills or good references to find work. Psh. Wake up, Bridget. Things will always be ok. Jesus loves me, and in the end, that's all that matters.