.growing.weary.on.my.own.

I'm not doing anything I'm supposed to be doing right now. Haven't exercised in so long, but the weather is so depressing here. It really makes me not want to leave my bed. Its so incredibly hard for me to get up in the morning, and its even tougher knowing I spend 6 of 7 days in a small portable staring at a computer screen, hoping I can sneak away for a single break. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and the folks I work with, but its a real downer feeling so stuck.

On top of being lazy at work, our hours just got longer, so I'll be dreading it even more. I will now be working 50 hours a week, minimum. It's hard for us to close when we should, people tend to keep coming in, and then are upset because I don't want to help them. Ha. I really hope we are able to hire one or two other people before summer hits us, so we can train them properly.

Other things I'm not keeping up with, brushing my dog. His hair is EVERYWHERE and its so hard to sweep everyday. I get a little dragged down because I feel like I have to clean so much everyday after I come home from work, and handle house things. I want less stuff in my house. So I have been slowly going through items in my room packing them in a pile for the Goodwill. Its hard to part with some things, like a box full of old show posters. I don't know what to do with them, but they're good memories of when I was actually really excited about going to shows.

I still can't get a good start on reading my Bible again, too. I sat down to try and read Hebrews the other day, but it just didn't speak to me and its hard for me to see what's going on in it, when I don't have my handy study bible. It disappeared somewhere after I moved my stuff out of Matt's house. I seem to have lost quite a few things, a box of shoes, a box of jackets, a box of books, etc. I'm not totally sure where everything is, maybe in the Maple Valley storage unit. Hopefully.

I also need to get into a steady habit of tithing at church, or even going to church. I really do enjoy listening to the sermon's at home. Attending is pretty difficult, I feel very out of place and uncomfortable. Its how I usually have felt, but its getting more and more awkward. I don't really feel like meeting new people, but I know when I do, I actually love it, but its that first step which is the hardest.

I really miss some women in my life, and am too tired to ever drive down to Renton to see them. After a long week of work, with only Sunday off, when I'm supposed to go to church and do something nice during the day and enjoy, I tend to lay in bed and relax too much. I don't want to leave the comforts of my blanket.

This was quite a ramble post, but I need to vent. A little stressed and strained lately. And lets not even start on my wardrobe....(although I did make a wonderful purchase of new sneaks thanks to a new friend in California!). Its getting late, and I have to ride back home and check on the doggies. I should read, but won't be able to bring myself to do it on my couch. More netflix is in store, I'm sure.

.relaxation&thought.

Tonight was my evening off from hang outs, shows, bars, cleaning, business. I decided to take Reggie to the dog park, let him get some energy out, and enjoy being outside. On the way home, a long stop at the grocery store. I have such a problem shopping lately, since I've been trying to eat healthier. One, it costs quite a bit more. Two, more thought definitely has to be put into what I'm purchasing, from reading labels, and imagining meals, to 'am I really going to eat this soon?'. I ended up with some lean ground beef, to be used in stuffed peppers with mozzarella later this week, and a giant piece of cod (which the fish man gave me suggestions on how to prepare that worked out extremely well). Dinner was some steamed edema-me and garlic peppered cod. So good. 

I then proceeded to begin working again on my Murakami remake which has been staring at me in the kitchen for the past week. I really went to work on it, and am almost complete. During which, I listened to the sermon I missed on Sunday at Mars Hill. I understand the need to actually attend church, and I hope that I get that hunger to go, but I honestly pay so much more attention while at home, doing what I do. It was a great sermon, with soooo many different points that really hit home: 

• suffering (of any sort) will happen to you, so don't feel so incredibly surprised when it does.
• what good does it do to dwell on it, and think about how terrible it is? its better to move on and handle it. Suffer well, I think is how Mark put it.
• people who suffer may realize it, and use it to their advantage, as an excuse for sin. 
  
• we need community in order to grow in relationships and understanding. we need community in order to be able to handle suffering, as well, and to learn how to deal with others who suffer. 

I suppose, well, I know that I definitely have issues with all of those. I tend to really dwell on the things that are wrong with me, my relationships, my work, my tiredness, etc, etc. But it really doesn't do me anything. It just keeps me stuck in the hole. I need to realize that Jesus is here to take on that pain and stress for me, so that I can grow and move on. I forget and ignore Him in almost everything I have been doing lately. It shows. I was really convicted listening to this sermon, about using my suffering to excuse the things I do that are wrong. It's become so easy to do that, especially in arguments with people. 

One of the biggest points that hit me was that last one, about community being needed in order to learn openness and truth, and to just live. I cut myself off from a lot of people. I found out from Matt and one of our pastors, that I have a major problem with intimacy, which is even a hard word to get out of me. I didn't exactly realize how bad it was, until I had someone from the outside point it out. And when I mentioned it to one of my best friends, he agreed. I'm not nearly as intimate as I want to be with my friends, and I really don't understand how to grow in that. But me figuring that out, doesn't come from reading a book or following some diretions, it comes with practice and community. Being taught by others and allowing them to teach me, and to not be afraid of that closeness. I remember my very first boyfriend, my freshman year, sat me down, and looked me in the eye and told me he loved me, and I could barely look back at him. I didn't understand it and had no idea how to handle that type of feeling, and I still have the same fear/struggle with it. 

I feel like I have so much to learn that I should have learned growing up, but it never happened, and part of me feels like its too late. That this is how I am, and that's it. I need my friends to remind me that change is never too late. And I need to remember to look to Jesus to be my guide and help me work through these. He'll give me the people I need, the situations I need, and teach me the way my parents should have. 

Long story short, I need to work harder on keeping in touch with God and the rest will follow. 

.renewal.

Time to start things up again. Working on getting everything back on track. From school (finishing my accounting degree...I've turned in my app to CWU, hope to get accepted!), to church (finding a community group, finishing my membership), to work (not being lazy and getting shit done), to friends (listening better, understanding better, working on closeness), to myself (not getting down on myself so much, practicing what I believe, figuring out what I believe and what it means, accepting my issues and actually working to improve them).

Its going to be really hard, and I'll need to learn a lot of patience and humility, but I know it will be worth it. I want to be a more mature woman and not fear that idea. Luckily, I have some really amazing friends who love me, and will help me, and I know I can trust with my heart, so hopefully I can open myself up to them more.

Tonight, I will be spending an evening with two of those folks that I need to work on my relationship with, and seeing them again in a week, but separation from them is going to suck after that. That's another thing I have a hard time with, separation. It seems a lot of the folks I care about most, aren't always around. They travel doing their thing, and I shouldn't be so needy. Bah.

Wish me luck with these endeavors. Time to quit sitting around moping, and get out there and taking some actions.

?

pretty much that's where i'm at. a giant question mark. 

i am currently battling between various paths to choose for my life to go. i can't choose anything and stick with it. i don't think i've ever been able to. i think of everything in the form of school years. so that whatever i was doing the previous year, doesn't have a ton of meaning for my next year, but could if i wanted it to. along with having attended various  schools all my life, i also can't live in one place for very long. i can't be content with any choice that i make, and its going to continue to make it hard for me and anyone involved with me, to continue on. 

all i know is that i can't stop watching 'when harry met sally.' its probably one of my favorite non-anime movies that i can watch over and over and over and not get tired of it. i've made a lot of bad choices, especially this past week, and i realize that i am sitting around thinking about how terrible i am and how stupid i do things, which is really not helping me at all. 

i have not been able to pull myself off the couch all weekend, and its been absolutely gorgeous. i over dramatize every possible thing in my life and make things that happen seem life affecting, rather than the current moment. my own curiosity makes me doubt myself in many ways, and its a real nightmare. i'm supposed to be moving back to seattle soon, but am i doing it just as an easy way to get away from something? i always feel like i lose myself when i'm dealing with another person, and i hate that feeling. like i suddenly lose my own ambitions and ideas, and its just following theirs. i know its not totally true, and that i even let myself get into that trap. 

i think i am just so unhappy and uncomfortable with myself that i feel as if i could not make the right decisions to have a life with someone right now. but is that just me making up excuses or is it actually where i'm at? i wish i had a constant life evaluator telling me how i'm doing and letting me know the answers to my own confusion. bah. 

Ephesians 4:2

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."

How hard is this to follow? As of late, I see how much I fail at this, and probably will continue to fail. It sucks, but I am really feeling like I just am made to be alone, but loving people who make it extremely hard for me to love. As opposed to people who completely love me, and myself accepting their love. 

Its a weird situation, and one that doesn't totally make sense. I still can't figure out my feelings completely, but I sometimes feel like it is not fair for me to accept someone's love, without being able to fully love them back, 100% in the same way. Especially if I still struggle showing my love for Jesus, Himself. Jesus was single until His death, which allowed for Him to focus on His Father, and to focus on showing His love, patience, humbleness to all of those around Him. Sometimes, I feel that if we are to follow in His path, we should do the same, or maybe at least myself I know that the Bible also says to create a family and bear children, but that just doesn't seem like what is really in store for me, or what I would accept. So which is my path? How do I choose? 

Bah. I need food. 

Psalm 105:1

"Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name: make known among the nations what he has done."

"Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. And pray for us, too, that God may open a door for our message, so that we may proclaim the mystery of Christ, for which I am in chains. Pray that I may proclaim it clearly, as I should. Be wise in the way you act towards outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone."

- Colossians 4:2-6

I have been thinking a lot lately about how I should definitely be more active in showing my love for God, and making sure that it shows in everything that I do. Wait, that was worded incorrectly. I should be more active in showing my love for God, and should allow Him to show himself through me much more. 

I really love being out here on the road with my friends, and its a great opportunity for me to meet all kinds of new people all over the country, and even spend a lot of quality time with my own good friends, and the rest of those who are on this tour with us. At the same time, I feel like I am taking advantage of this opportunity and not realizing that God put this in my hands, and that I should be doing more with it. 

Its also hard for me to figure out what it is I should be doing in my situation. Its hard to just bust into a conversation about the Lord with people, at least for me. I don't want to come off too strong or overbearing towards someone who is not a Christian and make them uncomfortable about meeting Jesus. At the same time, maybe that's what needs to be done. And then again, it wasn't constant in my face pushing that led me to Jesus. It was Jesus himself, who used friends around me to gently push me in His direction. 

I know there are not really any list of deeds that I need to do to have my eternal life with Jesus, and that doesn't mean that I can go off and do whatever. I have already been saved, and if I really have accepted Jesus into my heart, I should make Him first so much more than anything else I am doing. But how extreme does that mean I should go? Is there a limit that we should put on ourselves for such things? If we really did love God and are spreading His word like we are technically supposed to be doing, does that mean we become a fanatic and mention Jesus in every sentence?! I feel like I am over analyzing my purpose in doing evangelical work, or maybe not thinking about it enough. I have to just pray to God that He will use me to bring others to Him, and use me as a source to show himself to the world. 

Its tough to just allow that to be, and to not feel like, I have to do this, or I have to do that. Ugh. On this tour so far, which is just over a week in, I have spoken to one person about their faith, my friend Janet. And we didn't really get into anything super intense, but we both are Christians. I would love to talk to her more about it. I think the Envy guys are not of any denomination, and don't consider themselves religious, so I would love to hear what they have to say about things, but fear that I wouldn't have my own story together to show my reason for devotion to Jesus. And then, the people in my own band, I know that I should be talking to them more about things, too. But man, we are usually so busy, or tired, or just want to relax, that it doesn't seem like it will happen. 

But I will try harder, and I will work harder to get to know those around me, and not just let this wonderful opportunity pass me by. 

I pray that Jesus will give me the wisdom and words that I need when the time comes. And I am so thankful for everything that He has put into my life. 

Mars Hill New Sermon Series

So, I call Mars Hill Church in Ballard my home. I'm not an official member, because I am lazy and have no excuse. But, I do attend quite a bit, and listen to their sermons mostly. It is probably the only church I have ever been to that I really listen and understand what is going on. I love how Pastor Mark Driscoll is able to convey the Bible back to us, and not watering any of it down, and I really feel like his own understanding and interpretation is right on.

Well, the last couple of months, people have been able to email questions, any question about the Bible, the Church, etc, to Mars Hill. They were rounded up and put to vote [by visitors to Mars Hill's website] to pick the top 9 questions that Mark should speak sermons on. Last night was the first, and the topic was: Birth Control. It was intense and amazing. I really hope that they podcast the service I went to, which was 2 hours long, and had even been shortened a bit, because most of the people at my late service were single, college-type people, so Mark didn't go into as much detail on certain points. It should be up on the podcast mid-week, and I strongly suggest that you subscribe and/or download all the sermons that are coming up.

Another new thing that they did at our service, was allowed us, while Mark was speaking, to text a number from our cell phones with any question that we might have about what he's speaking on. At the end of the sermon, the questions were shown on a screen, and Mark, with no direct preparation, answered as many as he could. The first, 'Did you see the Seahawks game?' Hahaha. The rest were good questions, and he answered them well. But what an idea! Anonymously be able to directly as Mark something!

If you want to see what else he will be preaching on, check out this page:

http://askanything.marshillchurch.org/

All of the questions are listed, as well as the number of votes each question received. I'm really excited to hear the next ones, and am sad that I will be gone on tour for the next month, so I won't be able to attend the sermons. But I will be downloading!

Luke 6:27-28

"But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you."

"Do not speak to a fool, for he will scorn the wisdom of your words."
- Proverbs 23:9

This is the answer to my previous issue. Among the many other helpful advice I've been given from good friends. But I walked into work this morning, and that was my daily verse. The most I can do is just pray that God will work through their hard hearts, and they're realize that using His Word to try and hurt other people is not what its about. God does not want to make us feel guilty for things, He wants to make us aware of our wrongs, but He also wants us to repent and learn and grow from those actions.

If you had a child, and they did something wrong, because I am sure there is no such thing as a kid who didn't mess up, you would not scream at them and tear them down, only to leave them hurting and in pain, only knowing something they did was not right, and not knowing what they are to do in the future? Of course not. You would reprimand them, explain why they were wrong, and work with them to not make the same error again. That is what a Christian would be able to do with the love that Jesus has given them to show to others. I listened to something this weekend that spoke of the fact that we have the ability to show others grace. But not our own grace, rather, that Jesus uses us as conductors of His grace onto other people. It was pretty cool to hear that as a way Christ uses us individually, in such a way, that we could bring others to Him, and help them along their path of life.

Anyway, I'd like to say that older folks should never expect perfection from a child, but I have to say that about anyone. No one can expect perfection from another human being. We are inherently sinful in nature, so we will always mess up. On either end, whether having been hurt or doing the hurt, the action that we take after realization and conviction is what determines the direction of our hearts. If you take God's words, and use them for your own wrong judgment of those around you, you have become a false preacher. Just knowing what the Bible says does not make you Christian. It is the endless pursuit of Jesus, and the constant struggle to live like Him, and to show love to everyone around you. To use His words to show others the path to Him, and to encourage fellow Christians.

I am so grateful for the constant encouragement I receive from certain people. I'm sure they have no idea how important their few words are in my life, just as I know my own words can become meaningful to others.

"The words of the wicked lie in wait for blood, but the speech of the upright rescues them."
- Proverbs 12:6

Its mentioned many times in the Bible to guard your mouth, and be aware of the words that you say. Imagine being a false preacher, using God's own words to mislead, hurt, and tear down others.....and at the time of judgment, standing in front of Jesus himself and being questioned in those regards? Scary, I tell you. Scary. Before we take verses to try and uphold our own opinions, we need to make sure to meditate on them to be sure that we understand their meaning, and to also be sure not use them as knives into others hearts. I'm not directing that at anyone, but I know I need to re-read that myself and become more aware.

Philippians 4:19

"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus."

How fitting, huh? I know I've read this passage before, and have read others that respond to the same idea, which is that God will always take care of us and give us just what we need. But what we need is not always what we want, or think we should have. But Jesus knows, and gives accordingly. Currently, I have been a little exhausted in most areas of my everyday life, but I am not overly worried about any of them.

I've been having a hard time formulating my thoughts, because there are so many flowing through my head, but in regards to this verse, it is so obvious in my life. I was/am having a hard time with my family, but Jesus gave me wonderful friends, who have given me support and knowledge and advice, which honestly made everything feel better. Especially the words from one person in particular. Its weird, because we can bicker about things pretty well, but whenever I am hurt, confused, or even excited and happy, he's the only one I want to talk to and hear from. He is one gift from the Lord that I am most grateful for.

Anyway, there was a sermon not long ago, going through Philippians, based on anxiety. Relative to our lives, we have a lot of anxiety because of overly worrying about things we have no control over, the anxiety that comes from wanting things we can't seem to have/afford/get, and for just having false idols in general. I found this in Ecclesiastes:

"Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work—this is a gift of God. 20 He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart."

Wealth and possessions don't mean just money and stuff, its everything in your life that you are given. I have seen people, including myself, who have worked far too much, made a lot of money, and were able to buy things they thought they wanted, but still were unhappy.

{EDIT}

I started this post back in December, so I guess I can finish it now. Being on tour has really put me to some tests, that I can see myself failing in terribly. But one of them, is learning to let go of possessions. Not all, I mean, I'm still very in love with my clothes and computer and stuff, but I mean, that I am not worrying about having stuff right now, and I don't worry about having things in the future. So in part, I'm learning to let that go. I'm fairly content with where I am at right now. There will be great stories for my kids someday. 

this is His land

This afternoon, Reggie and I met up with our friend Chole, and we hiked Little Mt. Si. It is 1,576 feet above sea level, and is a 5.5 mile hike, roundtrip. Let me tell you, I'm feeling it right now. Reggie loves to be out in the woods, and I couldn't believe how much energy he had the whole trip. It is now about 3 hours after we got down, and he's snoozing away on the couch with me. This mini-peak, is a baby compared to Mt. Si, which is ridiculous. I'm not ready for that one yet. But at the top of this mt, there is a beautiful view. Its a small area of rock, that you can sit on and see just beauty. It was so quiet most of the way up, and it was a great reward to actually reach the top. Seattle really isn't all that cool, but everything around it is amazing. I wish I'd had a real camera, I would have taken so many more pictures. 

It sure is a shame that I don't make more time to go out and enjoy this world. 

Thanks Chole, for always wanting to come along with me. I have so much fun.

Proverbs 10:12

"Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses."

I'm not sure how to put into words how I feel without feeling so angry and only wanting to cuss people out. There's really only one person I wish I could talk to right now, because he knows about my family and knows me, and is just able to calm me down and make me feel better. I considered him my family, but now he's gone and I don't know how to handle this.

My family, which consists of 3 brothers [one deceased], and 1 sister [my mom] here in the states, and some other family living in England, is the most dysfunctional, stubborn, hatred-filled, unmoving, unchanging, group of people I have ever known. They each talk poorly about each other constantly, always judging, making assumptions, and never talking or even trying to make efforts to not be this way. They lie to each other, and are constantly bickering, and even with extreme situations, turn things around to be about them. It is what I grew up in, and so of course I am the same way.

One of them made a comment on my blog, which I have erased, but left it anonymous, questioning if I pray for my dead uncle. My apologies for being rude, but who are you? And what does it matter to you if I pray for him or not. You've never talked to me about my faith, or Christ, so don't bother acting like you are high and mighty because you attend some church and had your children go through their first communion. I've never seen Christ alive inside of you, but I am unable to make that judgement. You may very well know Him and be struggling to find Him, but it is unnoticeable to me.

Now, what I don't want everyone to believe, or what I would even ever say, is that I am so much of a better person than these people. Like I said, I am just like them. It is why so many of my friendships and my most recent relationships have failed. I have no previous safe concept of 'love' or 'family', and It is really beginning to seriously mess my life up, and I need to figure out how to not continue down this path. In regards to my family, there have been so many unspoken fights, there is so much bitterness and hatred being held against each other, that it would take years of intense biblical counseling involving everyone, and no one is willing to make that commitment, including myself. I know for sure, from previous counseling I was forced into, that my family can act one way towards 'outside people', and the minute we're back in the real world, nothing has changed.

I understand that I am 'old enough to know better,' but really? When you look at what I have been taught...I'm not so sure.

My question is one that I had heard in a sermon Mark did a while back, about persons being bricks in your lives, and how if some people don't change and they do nothing but constantly hurt you, that you have to draw a line and keep them away. The passage today from Psalms is incredibly appropriate. But its forces me into a hard place. The majority of me wants to let my family go, except for my mom, because she is my mom, and I have to deal with her. Even though I don't want to deal with her, I just have to. But the rest of my family, I just don't see it ever getting better. My family does not know the person I am now, they don't know how I have changed, yet they still hold everything I have ever done from when I was a teenager against me. It is impossible to ever make things right with them. I know that for a fact. I have watched it with their own. If you commit a wrong, it will be held in the back of their minds for eternity. Not even a family death will bring them together. They will argue, fight, and do horrible things to each other even in that time.

As a Christian, you are supposed to forgive and love, and move on. I can forgive them for the way they were raised, and for having never been taught to love correctly, but I cannot show them love. They make it too hard, and I am not Jesus. I do not have the grace in me that He does. I mean, even the question someone posted about whether or not I pray for my uncle...it just makes me feel like they are poking fun or trying to set up some type of ruling system that decides whether or not I am doing right. They are almost like the Pharisees, only the Pharisees were actually religious.

I was told not to have anything to do with one part of my family, so why do they haunt me even online, trying to start a fight after months of not speaking?

On top of my own judgments I make on myself everyday for never doing enough or messing up in most things I try, I have my own family making harsh judgments on me. I have to give up on them. They only want to say things to make me feel worse than they feel. There are so many harsh things that we can say to each other. We have each wronged the other in numerous ways. I feel terrible for them, and all I can do is hope the Lord will find them and change their hard hearts, but I cannot be involved anymore.

Jesus, give me strength...

I cry at least once a day. I don't like this. I feel selfish for wanting to pray for myself, but Lord, I need it.

:(

1 John 4:15

"If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God."

Philippians 1:3-6

"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on until completion until the day of Jesus Christ."

First and foremost, I am sooooo incredibly thankful for all of you who have been put into my life, whether you are Christian or not. Each of you has been such a gift to me, whether as a lesson for me to learn from sin, or as a joyful experience for me to have, each has their own importance that cannot be compared with anyone else. 

This weekend, the world experienced the loss of a wonderful man, Casey Calvert. He was a guitarist in the band Hawthorne Heights, and while I was not exactly friends with him, we were acquaintances, and had many similar close friends. My heart goes out to all of those this loss has affected. 

It is important to let those you care about know that you care about them. I find that I don't let my friends know that enough, and I want to make a better effort to make sure that they know that. In relation to the verse, Paul was living in a jail, torn apart from his church and his people. He was alone and treated poorly, but he found Joy in the connection with his people for their love for Jesus. Even though he was facing pain and death, he found joy in the Holy Spirit. 

Just because people you love don't live near you, or you don't see them everyday, or even speak to them on a regular basis, it is incredibly important to keep them in your prayers and to let them know you care for them. I feel incredibly lonely most of the time, but only because I focus on what is happening immediately around me, rather than stepping back and looking at the larger picture of my life. I have so many wonderful people in my life, and many of them as of late, are christians who I find so much respect and longing for. It has become more and more aware to me, the importance of those Jesus based relationships. I'm so incredibly excited about some of those relationships that have popped up where I didn't imagine. It makes me even more thankful to Jesus, that he is working through me, and changing my heart to help reach my good friends, and bring them closer to Him. 

At the same time, it is hard to realize that I am not alone, and to allow myself to focus on the relationships that I have with people who believe in and love Christ. I had randomly posted in my myspace blog a link to a blog written by one of the ladies at Mars Hill, about the 'Ideal Christian Woman' and a young girl, who I had never even known, came across it, read it, and was spoken to. It was awesome to hear that it had an affect in her life, because I had nothing to do with it. It was Jesus who gave Ms. Alsup [the author], the knowledge to write that blog, and I was merely a vessel to pass it on. 

It makes me want to do more to reach people, but at the same time, I realize that there is nothing that I can do, but rather just have faith in Jesus and trust in His goals for me, and allow Him to use me in whatever way he sees fit. I'm very excited, let me tell you. 

Don't think that I am ignoring my non-christian friends, or that I'm trying to go out and yell at people to repent and meet Jesus. It is not up to me if they find Him or not. Jesus will call people to Him in their own time. Nothing I can say or do will make them believe. I can't even fully explain my own faith or beliefs. But, I do realize, thanks to some advice from a dearly loved friend who is becoming a lead pastor soon!, that I don't have to go out and forcibly evangelize to bring God's word to people, but rather just live my life, with my focus on the Lord, and He will be seen through me to those around me. What a crazy thought! 

I am no where near where I would want to be in my faith, and I never will be, but I am trying. I am so glad to know Jesus and to be a part of his church. 

My overall point is that, even when you feel most alone, Jesus is always there for you to talk to. And if you have a relationship with someone, even if they live all the way on the other side of the world, you are not alone. Reach out to them, and if you share the same faith, your relationship is only that much stronger. Its incredible how the love that Jesus has given us keeps all of his church tied together so tightly. 

1 Corinthians 13:3-7

"3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

I notice that a lot of times you will see this passage, but only verses 4-6. I really feel that verse 3 and 7 are just as important, and really complete the message.

I have read in other parts of the Bible, about how a person can be seen as charitable and caring, but their motives are all wrong. They do things so they will be seen as 'good' and have selfish reasonings: " Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit..." - Philippians 2:3. Its hard to explain, but I see a lot of people, including myself, who search for ways to give and serve, but do so only so it looks good on paper to others, and to themselves. Not that this applies to everyone, but these people are out there.

In regards to a relationship with someone, then the 2nd portion of this verse comes into play. If you truly love someone, it doesn't mean you will overlook all their wrongs, and let them walk all over you. It means that you will show patience, just like you would a small child, and when they do wrong, you will lovingly point it out and show forgiveness. Not point fingers and hold it against them in the future.

I don't have a ton to say on this right now. It's just the daily verse on my desktop. But, I do have to say, that no matter what you do in life, if you don't have love behind it, its not even worth giving or accepting. And if you find someone to care about, make sure that you show them the right kind of love. Not that your relationship will be hearts and stars, there will always be hardships and challenges, otherwise, you'd never learn or grow. But always be patient.

I cannot wait to meet someone who makes me want to do everything for them, and be unselfish and supportive and loving. Its an exciting thing to look forward to, to be with someone who you lose yourself in. Someone who you want to work with and help and love, and when you don't think about the things you'll get out of the relationship. [But don't be blinded by infatuation with someone who takes all these things from you and doesn't show love back to you!]

I guess this past year or so has shown me some of the things that I really want to have in a partner. This doesn't mean it is what I will get, but I do know what I need out of someone, and certainly what I don't need. I know not to chase after people, because if they wanted to be with me, they would, right? I can't force them to love me.

I think that one of the biggest challenges for me, in regards to love, is going to be with my mom. I have no patience for her, and I certainly do not show much love or care towards her. But it is seriously so damn hard. Its sad to say, but I don't know when I'll have it in me to really move ahead with our relationship. It is the most work I will ever have to put up with in my life, and I'm sure that eventually if I don't do something, I will regret it, and I will be questioned about it when I meet Jesus, which scares the crap out of me. I will have no excuses then, and He will know my heart and thoughts even before I can contemplate what I should say to Him! There's no way to lie or cover up at that point. Just get judgment for my actions, or lack thereof.

Anyway, my point is, if you can show love to someone, do it. That is our mission, that is one of the greatest abilities that God has given us, to give something so abstract, yet has the most meaning and reward in our lives. Love is more powerful than anything else in our lives. Jesus was put through horrible tortures and an even more painful death, but he was only able to do so because of His love for all of us, and for His Father. Love overcame all that physical and earthly torture. Unselfish love can get you through anything, it has been proven.

Ecclesiastes 8:7

"Since no man knows the future, who can tell him what is to come?"

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."
- Romans 8:18

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." - Proverbs 19:21

I have been having some major anxiety problems lately. To the point that I want to just cut out some of my close friends, just so I don't bring them down, or burden them with my troubles, especially when I don't even know what it is that is bugging me. Well, I take that back, I do know. There are far too many things always on my brain. Things that I avoid addressing, that I keep hidden away, and refuse to open up and get rid of. I'm not sure what to do about this, but I'm going to need help soon, before something bad happens. Its piling up, and its going to need somewhere to go.

A big part of my anxiety is trying to figure out my purpose and future. Where am I going? What am I supposed to be doing? How do I even make the decision about what to do next? Today I was wondering if I should stay here in Seattle, keep working my job, have a decent income, a nice home, wonderful roommates, and be able to live financially comfortable? How important is that? I'm pretty sure I would much rather be on the road with some of my best friends, barely making an income, and just enjoying seeing the world. But that doesn't set me up very well for a future. On the other hand, who defines what my future should be? Why do I think that it should be me, married, in a home, with a regular job, living a 'normal' life? Society and my parents ideals are smashed into my brain, and I'm not ok with it.

Now, think about the verses I've listed above. All the anxiety I'm allowing myself to have has no purpose other than to harm me. I shouldn't worry so much about whether my choice will be good or bad, or what will happen. Not that I should completely give up thinking about consequences, but I need to think less, because it's holding me back and messing me up.

We will never fully understand our own purpose here in this world. And we shouldn't burden ourselves searching for that purpose. Rather, we should take time to enjoy the short lives that we've been given. God has created us, and created our world, and He has a purpose for each and every one of us, and will see to it that it is fulfilled. Only on the day that we stand in front of Jesus, and are judged by all that we have done in our lives, will we understand what it was all about, and will be given complete peace. And what is even better, is that we have been told not to worry about trivial things. We have been told by our Father, that He will see to it we are taken care of, and given all that we need. So no matter what path we choose to go down, if we keep our faith in Him, we'll always be taken care of. Everyone's purpose and future is different, how am I to know how it is all planned out? Why should I even try to plan it out? "Nothing you ever planned on ever turns out the way you planned..." Man, that Circa line is so true.

I'm going to be ok with leaving work next year. Yeah I have a great job, and I'm financially comfortable, but I know that I'm also unhappy being here every day, and not having any time to enjoy life. I know that I will always have to work, and if touring doesn't work out, its not like I don't have skills or good references to find work. Psh. Wake up, Bridget. Things will always be ok. Jesus loves me, and in the end, that's all that matters.

John 6:37 - Part Deux

This past week has been pretty intense for me, and I don't even know if I'm doing the right things. The second half of that verse is burning through my brain at this moment, and I'll get right to the point:

• God put Matt [and the other guys] in my life as lights towards Him. Which is awesome, and I completely see and understand that. There are a lot of sucky things between Matt and I, which I have no idea how to deal with. My first act was practically deleting him from my life, no calls, IM's, emails, messages, nothing. Even attending his show Saturday, and not going near him or speaking to him. And I felt horrible, and did not want it to be like that. So Sunday I had dinner with him in Portland, and made sure to not to bring anything up. There's no point. It's done, so why bother? I have to keep him at a distance, in order for us to be ok. But I should not eject him from my life just because we didn't work out in a romantic relationship.

• God put Brendan in my life as someone completely different, who really pushed me to be myself, but to be myself in the soft, girly, sweet and loving person. Which is pretty awesome. My conversation with him last night was very enlightening and even though I ended up in tears, it was ok, and will be ok. I don't know anyone else, other than my very first boyfriend, who made me feel the way he did. But he told me that he wanted me to see how I was or could be, and looking at it now, I reallllly liked who I was around him. Which means that I am capable, but sucky that its not with him. How tricky that can be. But I'm certainly very grateful for him in my life. I don't even feel like never speaking to him again, because there's no reason not to. He's great. Now, meeting this girl who lives here in Seattle that he's into.....well, I don't know how I'm going to handle that.

God certainly has given us something incredible to deal with and to experience, emotions and feelings and a consciousness/awareness.

I have far too much free time here at work in the off-season, and my mind just contemplates every part of my life. This sucks.

John 6:37

"All that the Father gives to me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away."

At a time where it's extremely hard for me to understand why certain things happen, that I had never planned on occurring, or thought could happen, I should know far better than to think I know what's best for me. I'm not saying that I'm completely daft, and shouldn't make my own choices, but rather that I should let go a lot more.

For one thing, over-analyzing your life, and always trying to figure out the purpose or reason for things is consuming and unproductive. Of course you should think about things, but there's a point when you just have to let things go and realize that you're not in control. I firmly believe that even though I might want a sweet flat screen tv, and to have my own place and a big yard for Reggie, doesn't mean it is what I need or deserve. Most things in our lives are wonderful extras God has given us to enjoy and reward us.

Matt was explaining to me once man's relationship to God, he'd read in a CS Lewis book, I think, and how it was compared to that of the relationship of a dog and its master. If the dog were to chew his master's shoes and pee on the carpet, the master would be upset but would understand it's just a dog, scold it but still love it. The master would have endless love for his pet. The same way God has endless love for us. And over time, the master knows what's best for the dog, and will make sure it gets what it needs. Example: There is a heap of garbage that smells amazing and the dog wants to devour it. It doesn't think about if there are items that could hurt it, or if he'll get sick, he just knows its awesome and he wants it. But the master knows better, and will do what he can to keep the dog away. [Granted there are two arguments to this that I can think of immediately: 1) God is sovereign over our existence, and has the power to do anything, including stop the dog from eating the trash or make him not even want it. 2) God has given us free will, so perhaps the dog, even against the action taken to stop him from eating the trash, will still get to it and eat it. How can God be in control, but we still have free will? Its a confusing thing, but not for this post. Or for me to try and explain. Mars Hill has some good sermons on this, though.]

Getting back to the point, God loves us and gives us just what we need, and sometimes much more, only because He loves us. Not because we do anything to deserve such things. Of course, rewards are part of it, there's no way, though, to say: if you do this, you will receive this. And sometimes those things he gives us aren't even 'things', but rather people in our lives. While you meet many people throughout your life, don't think that some aren't worth anything. Even the seemingly meaningless meeting may hold an opportunity for you to do something pleasing, whether it be compliment a stranger walking by, which may change their mood for the day, or just saying thank you. Days Away had a great line in one of their songs: 'Well its the simplest things we tend to ignore, and its the simplest things that mean so much more...'

Anyway, I know that certain people have been put into my life, and while I don't always understand why, I can see how they have influenced me, which is amazing. God has given me some seriously wonderful people, and even though things don't go the way I want them to, He has used those people to challenge me, help me grow, and even reward me. I couldn't be more blessed than to have the company that I do. So, even if someone seems really rotten and not worth your time, maybe it is Jesus placing someone in your circle, to help out, influence, and share His love with. You never know what may happen. When I first met Matt, Toby, and those guys, I was a hyper little person, swearing up a storm, with no real cares about much. I was definitely not really someone I would ever think those guys would have taken in and loved the way have. Now look at me! I'm not a lot better, but I think I'm pretty ok, and have changed a lot. Those people in my life, especially Matt, have probably been the absolute greatest gift [other than Reggie] I will ever receive.

Don't disregard people too quickly. You never know what their purpose in your life may turn out to be.

Philippians 1:6

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."

The last couple of days I have felt extremely rotten. Partly because I feel really guilty for leaving a friend when she needed me, and not being able to offer her the type of support that she really needs. I never can give any type of advice, and getting close to someone, even a friend, is such a difficulty for me. I can't ever find the right words to say, and then actually getting them out of my mouth is even worse.

Among other things, I don't feel so close to the Lord. I've had moments of thinking 'Why do I even bother? What do I believe in Jesus? What does it even matter...because it's just too hard to do anything right.' Its a terrible way of thinking, to not even understand your own beliefs or to be able to explain why you feel the way you do. I always hated english classes in high school, and could never write an essay to save myself. I guess my answer, if someone were to ask me why I am a Christian, would just be Jesus. I was given faith in Him from the Lord, and that's it. It's a gift I was given, without even asking for it, or knowing that I wanted it, but its the most perfect gift one could receive.

I came into work this morning, and I have a widget on my desktop that gives me daily bible verses, and that Philippians verse was on my screen. We're studying Philippians in church right now, and went over this verse the other week. I was very much relieved when I read it this morning. It was absolutely perfect for the way I feel right now. Jesus has been calling me to Him, and in those times when I feel like I'm completely nothing and feel like such a total failure, this verse reminds me that it is still not up to me. Jesus has started something within me, which is why I am so much more aware of falling short, and He loves me and has been taking care of me for so long, and He will continue to do so and force me to grow. It makes me feel like such a speck, and makes me feel so stupid that I even question His plan for me. But good grief, its seriously hard. Its so easy to just let go and say you don't care and just do whatever I want. But I know better than that.

With the recent situation, I'm very frustrated at myself for not being a positive in my friend's life, and feel like I should take a lot of the blame for what happened. Another friend told me that it's not up to me to take care of other people, and I shouldn't feel so responsible for their choices, which is understandable and agreed. At the same time, I can't shed all the guilt, and shouldn't, because I definitely could have made better choices, as well, and not contribute to her downfall.

My main point is that faith should not be lost in times when you feel failure or feel that things are too difficult. If you ask for the Lord's help, he will help you. He will give you exactly what you need, which may not be what you want, or what you think would be best, which is another hard thing to accept. Just always remember that He loves you and will use any situation to better you and work out His plan. Praise Jesus, huh?!

Welcome to the wonderful World of Entertainment (WOE is me....)

New blog. Yay. Hopefully I can make this one a little more meaningful than my other random posting I've had going on throughout the internet.


My blog title is from a Jurassic 5 song, in case you weren't hip to it. Jurassic 5 are such a great hip-hop group. It's inspiring to hear lyrics that aren't gangster rap, constant swearing, cheap chorus lines, and to be accompanied by music and samples that are absolutely perfect for each song.


I've been thinking a lot lately about the whole entertainment scene, and its just so different how I am now, compared to when I first started college. I'm different, but still so much the same. Its very depressing. I remember when music was seriously my life, knowing about every band, where they were from, where they were touring, when they were recording, what they were doing in their time off. I wanted to have all the information. I could list of most record label's rosters, and knew so many songs. I also worked in radio, so it was part of my job to have information like that, to make my show more interesting. Once I started dating Matt, I got into the side of actually knowing the bands, and some of the backstage people. I learned so much more about the business. At the same time, I was made to feel a little guilty because I still wanted to keep up on all these things and grow my list of contacts. To me, it was still business and I wanted to find a place in it.

Now, I'm pretty much out of the music business. I could barely tell you what some of my favorite bands are doing, let alone anything about labels, tours, records, etc. I don't buy new music, I don't keep up on anything. There are just so many effing bands out there and so many shows, that I just get frustrated and say 'forget it!'. I get the same feeling when I enter the video store to try and rent a movie, too much to choose from, and I always go home with the same films over and over. Matt also made me feel pretty crappy, indirectly, by always telling me stories about how he hated being on the road, and he didn't really like all these people who would come talk to him and want to get his screenname and add him on myspace. But he'd have to be nice to them, just because. It really made me think that's how everyone I had come to known viewed me. I'm sure there are those who do feel that way, which is fine, but there are some people who I know aren't like that, but in the back of my head is that thought, and it makes me just close up. I noticed it pretty bad when I recently saw my friends PJ and Ben, from Armor For Sleep. I've known these guys for a few years now, and have hung out with them numerous times and had many conversations with them. We're not exactly buddies, but we're not acquaintances, either. But this time, I just was so nervous and didn't know what to say or how to act. They're people I wish I were better friends with, just because its been so long, and I don't want to just be some fan girl. They're very interesting people and I just would like to not just be an Armor fan. Anyway, they definitely noticed as well and asked why I was acting so weird, which made me feel a little relief, but at the same time, even worse because I'd been such an idiot.


I suppose the general meaning to this post is that I'm pretty tired of the entertainment world, and WOE is me is right. But I can't get out of it, because I still love music and I love all the amazing people I get to meet from all across the continent. Its just becoming more apparent who the people are that I want to try and get to know better and keep in my life, even past all this scene stuff, and its ridiculous how many people are just out of control and who I want to keep at a safe distance. Its hard to decipher sometimes between the two, but over time, they'll weed themselves out. I've been so bummed out lately, from overworking [I'm completely burnt out on this job...sad], losing my best friend [not a death, just life], situations with close friends, and over-contemplating my own life and purpose. I lose track of how incredibly blessed I am to be here today and to be able to even have these things to write about.


Time to get back to work. I promise, I won't make my future posts nearly this long. There will be direction, purpose, and clear conclusions.