Saturday, April 11, 2009

.growing.weary.on.my.own.

I'm not doing anything I'm supposed to be doing right now. Haven't exercised in so long, but the weather is so depressing here. It really makes me not want to leave my bed. Its so incredibly hard for me to get up in the morning, and its even tougher knowing I spend 6 of 7 days in a small portable staring at a computer screen, hoping I can sneak away for a single break. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and the folks I work with, but its a real downer feeling so stuck.

On top of being lazy at work, our hours just got longer, so I'll be dreading it even more. I will now be working 50 hours a week, minimum. It's hard for us to close when we should, people tend to keep coming in, and then are upset because I don't want to help them. Ha. I really hope we are able to hire one or two other people before summer hits us, so we can train them properly.

Other things I'm not keeping up with, brushing my dog. His hair is EVERYWHERE and its so hard to sweep everyday. I get a little dragged down because I feel like I have to clean so much everyday after I come home from work, and handle house things. I want less stuff in my house. So I have been slowly going through items in my room packing them in a pile for the Goodwill. Its hard to part with some things, like a box full of old show posters. I don't know what to do with them, but they're good memories of when I was actually really excited about going to shows.

I still can't get a good start on reading my Bible again, too. I sat down to try and read Hebrews the other day, but it just didn't speak to me and its hard for me to see what's going on in it, when I don't have my handy study bible. It disappeared somewhere after I moved my stuff out of Matt's house. I seem to have lost quite a few things, a box of shoes, a box of jackets, a box of books, etc. I'm not totally sure where everything is, maybe in the Maple Valley storage unit. Hopefully.

I also need to get into a steady habit of tithing at church, or even going to church. I really do enjoy listening to the sermon's at home. Attending is pretty difficult, I feel very out of place and uncomfortable. Its how I usually have felt, but its getting more and more awkward. I don't really feel like meeting new people, but I know when I do, I actually love it, but its that first step which is the hardest.

I really miss some women in my life, and am too tired to ever drive down to Renton to see them. After a long week of work, with only Sunday off, when I'm supposed to go to church and do something nice during the day and enjoy, I tend to lay in bed and relax too much. I don't want to leave the comforts of my blanket.

This was quite a ramble post, but I need to vent. A little stressed and strained lately. And lets not even start on my wardrobe....(although I did make a wonderful purchase of new sneaks thanks to a new friend in California!). Its getting late, and I have to ride back home and check on the doggies. I should read, but won't be able to bring myself to do it on my couch. More netflix is in store, I'm sure.

Monday, March 30, 2009

.relaxation&thought.


Tonight was my evening off from hang outs, shows, bars, cleaning, business. I decided to take Reggie to the dog park, let him get some energy out, and enjoy being outside. On the way home, a long stop at the grocery store. I have such a problem shopping lately, since I've been trying to eat healthier. One, it costs quite a bit more. Two, more thought definitely has to be put into what I'm purchasing, from reading labels, and imagining meals, to 'am I really going to eat this soon?'. I ended up with some lean ground beef, to be used in stuffed peppers with mozzarella later this week, and a giant piece of cod (which the fish man gave me suggestions on how to prepare that worked out extremely well). Dinner was some steamed edema-me and garlic peppered cod. So good. 

I then proceeded to begin working again on my Murakami remake which has been staring at me in the kitchen for the past week. I really went to work on it, and am almost complete. During which, I listened to the sermon I missed on Sunday at Mars Hill. I understand the need to actually attend church, and I hope that I get that hunger to go, but I honestly pay so much more attention while at home, doing what I do. It was a great sermon, with soooo many different points that really hit home: 
  • suffering (of any sort) will happen to you, so don't feel so incredibly surprised when it does.
  • what good does it do to dwell on it, and think about how terrible it is? its better to move on and handle it. Suffer well, I think is how Mark put it.
  • people who suffer may realize it, and use it to their advantage, as an excuse for sin. 
  • we need community in order to grow in relationships and understanding. we need community in order to be able to handle suffering, as well, and to learn how to deal with others who suffer. 

I suppose, well, I know that I definitely have issues with all of those. I tend to really dwell on the things that are wrong with me, my relationships, my work, my tiredness, etc, etc. But it really doesn't do me anything. It just keeps me stuck in the hole. I need to realize that Jesus is here to take on that pain and stress for me, so that I can grow and move on. I forget and ignore Him in almost everything I have been doing lately. It shows. I was really convicted listening to this sermon, about using my suffering to excuse the things I do that are wrong. It's become so easy to do that, especially in arguments with people. 

One of the biggest points that hit me was that last one, about community being needed in order to learn openness and truth, and to just live. I cut myself off from a lot of people. I found out from Matt and one of our pastors, that I have a major problem with intimacy, which is even a hard word to get out of me. I didn't exactly realize how bad it was, until I had someone from the outside point it out. And when I mentioned it to one of my best friends, he agreed. I'm not nearly as intimate as I want to be with my friends, and I really don't understand how to grow in that. But me figuring that out, doesn't come from reading a book or following some diretions, it comes with practice and community. Being taught by others and allowing them to teach me, and to not be afraid of that closeness. I remember my very first boyfriend, my freshman year, sat me down, and looked me in the eye and told me he loved me, and I could barely look back at him. I didn't understand it and had no idea how to handle that type of feeling, and I still have the same fear/struggle with it. 

I feel like I have so much to learn that I should have learned growing up, but it never happened, and part of me feels like its too late. That this is how I am, and that's it. I need my friends to remind me that change is never too late. And I need to remember to look to Jesus to be my guide and help me work through these. He'll give me the people I need, the situations I need, and teach me the way my parents should have. 

Long story short, I need to work harder on keeping in touch with God and the rest will follow. 

Saturday, March 28, 2009

.renewal.


Time to start things up again. Working on getting everything back on track. From school (finishing my accounting degree...I've turned in my app to CWU, hope to get accepted!), to church (finding a community group, finishing my membership), to work (not being lazy and getting shit done), to friends (listening better, understanding better, working on closeness), to myself (not getting down on myself so much, practicing what I believe, figuring out what I believe and what it means, accepting my issues and actually working to improve them).

Its going to be really hard, and I'll need to learn a lot of patience and humility, but I know it will be worth it. I want to be a more mature woman and not fear that idea. Luckily, I have some really amazing friends who love me, and will help me, and I know I can trust with my heart, so hopefully I can open myself up to them more.

Tonight, I will be spending an evening with two of those folks that I need to work on my relationship with, and seeing them again in a week, but separation from them is going to suck after that. That's another thing I have a hard time with, separation. It seems a lot of the folks I care about most, aren't always around. They travel doing their thing, and I shouldn't be so needy. Bah.

Wish me luck with these endeavors. Time to quit sitting around moping, and get out there and taking some actions.