.relaxation&thought.

Tonight was my evening off from hang outs, shows, bars, cleaning, business. I decided to take Reggie to the dog park, let him get some energy out, and enjoy being outside. On the way home, a long stop at the grocery store. I have such a problem shopping lately, since I've been trying to eat healthier. One, it costs quite a bit more. Two, more thought definitely has to be put into what I'm purchasing, from reading labels, and imagining meals, to 'am I really going to eat this soon?'. I ended up with some lean ground beef, to be used in stuffed peppers with mozzarella later this week, and a giant piece of cod (which the fish man gave me suggestions on how to prepare that worked out extremely well). Dinner was some steamed edema-me and garlic peppered cod. So good. 

I then proceeded to begin working again on my Murakami remake which has been staring at me in the kitchen for the past week. I really went to work on it, and am almost complete. During which, I listened to the sermon I missed on Sunday at Mars Hill. I understand the need to actually attend church, and I hope that I get that hunger to go, but I honestly pay so much more attention while at home, doing what I do. It was a great sermon, with soooo many different points that really hit home: 

• suffering (of any sort) will happen to you, so don't feel so incredibly surprised when it does.
• what good does it do to dwell on it, and think about how terrible it is? its better to move on and handle it. Suffer well, I think is how Mark put it.
• people who suffer may realize it, and use it to their advantage, as an excuse for sin. 
  
• we need community in order to grow in relationships and understanding. we need community in order to be able to handle suffering, as well, and to learn how to deal with others who suffer. 

I suppose, well, I know that I definitely have issues with all of those. I tend to really dwell on the things that are wrong with me, my relationships, my work, my tiredness, etc, etc. But it really doesn't do me anything. It just keeps me stuck in the hole. I need to realize that Jesus is here to take on that pain and stress for me, so that I can grow and move on. I forget and ignore Him in almost everything I have been doing lately. It shows. I was really convicted listening to this sermon, about using my suffering to excuse the things I do that are wrong. It's become so easy to do that, especially in arguments with people. 

One of the biggest points that hit me was that last one, about community being needed in order to learn openness and truth, and to just live. I cut myself off from a lot of people. I found out from Matt and one of our pastors, that I have a major problem with intimacy, which is even a hard word to get out of me. I didn't exactly realize how bad it was, until I had someone from the outside point it out. And when I mentioned it to one of my best friends, he agreed. I'm not nearly as intimate as I want to be with my friends, and I really don't understand how to grow in that. But me figuring that out, doesn't come from reading a book or following some diretions, it comes with practice and community. Being taught by others and allowing them to teach me, and to not be afraid of that closeness. I remember my very first boyfriend, my freshman year, sat me down, and looked me in the eye and told me he loved me, and I could barely look back at him. I didn't understand it and had no idea how to handle that type of feeling, and I still have the same fear/struggle with it. 

I feel like I have so much to learn that I should have learned growing up, but it never happened, and part of me feels like its too late. That this is how I am, and that's it. I need my friends to remind me that change is never too late. And I need to remember to look to Jesus to be my guide and help me work through these. He'll give me the people I need, the situations I need, and teach me the way my parents should have. 

Long story short, I need to work harder on keeping in touch with God and the rest will follow.