John 6:37 - Part Deux

This past week has been pretty intense for me, and I don't even know if I'm doing the right things. The second half of that verse is burning through my brain at this moment, and I'll get right to the point:

• God put Matt [and the other guys] in my life as lights towards Him. Which is awesome, and I completely see and understand that. There are a lot of sucky things between Matt and I, which I have no idea how to deal with. My first act was practically deleting him from my life, no calls, IM's, emails, messages, nothing. Even attending his show Saturday, and not going near him or speaking to him. And I felt horrible, and did not want it to be like that. So Sunday I had dinner with him in Portland, and made sure to not to bring anything up. There's no point. It's done, so why bother? I have to keep him at a distance, in order for us to be ok. But I should not eject him from my life just because we didn't work out in a romantic relationship.

• God put Brendan in my life as someone completely different, who really pushed me to be myself, but to be myself in the soft, girly, sweet and loving person. Which is pretty awesome. My conversation with him last night was very enlightening and even though I ended up in tears, it was ok, and will be ok. I don't know anyone else, other than my very first boyfriend, who made me feel the way he did. But he told me that he wanted me to see how I was or could be, and looking at it now, I reallllly liked who I was around him. Which means that I am capable, but sucky that its not with him. How tricky that can be. But I'm certainly very grateful for him in my life. I don't even feel like never speaking to him again, because there's no reason not to. He's great. Now, meeting this girl who lives here in Seattle that he's into.....well, I don't know how I'm going to handle that.

God certainly has given us something incredible to deal with and to experience, emotions and feelings and a consciousness/awareness.

I have far too much free time here at work in the off-season, and my mind just contemplates every part of my life. This sucks.

John 6:37

"All that the Father gives to me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away."

At a time where it's extremely hard for me to understand why certain things happen, that I had never planned on occurring, or thought could happen, I should know far better than to think I know what's best for me. I'm not saying that I'm completely daft, and shouldn't make my own choices, but rather that I should let go a lot more.

For one thing, over-analyzing your life, and always trying to figure out the purpose or reason for things is consuming and unproductive. Of course you should think about things, but there's a point when you just have to let things go and realize that you're not in control. I firmly believe that even though I might want a sweet flat screen tv, and to have my own place and a big yard for Reggie, doesn't mean it is what I need or deserve. Most things in our lives are wonderful extras God has given us to enjoy and reward us.

Matt was explaining to me once man's relationship to God, he'd read in a CS Lewis book, I think, and how it was compared to that of the relationship of a dog and its master. If the dog were to chew his master's shoes and pee on the carpet, the master would be upset but would understand it's just a dog, scold it but still love it. The master would have endless love for his pet. The same way God has endless love for us. And over time, the master knows what's best for the dog, and will make sure it gets what it needs. Example: There is a heap of garbage that smells amazing and the dog wants to devour it. It doesn't think about if there are items that could hurt it, or if he'll get sick, he just knows its awesome and he wants it. But the master knows better, and will do what he can to keep the dog away. [Granted there are two arguments to this that I can think of immediately: 1) God is sovereign over our existence, and has the power to do anything, including stop the dog from eating the trash or make him not even want it. 2) God has given us free will, so perhaps the dog, even against the action taken to stop him from eating the trash, will still get to it and eat it. How can God be in control, but we still have free will? Its a confusing thing, but not for this post. Or for me to try and explain. Mars Hill has some good sermons on this, though.]

Getting back to the point, God loves us and gives us just what we need, and sometimes much more, only because He loves us. Not because we do anything to deserve such things. Of course, rewards are part of it, there's no way, though, to say: if you do this, you will receive this. And sometimes those things he gives us aren't even 'things', but rather people in our lives. While you meet many people throughout your life, don't think that some aren't worth anything. Even the seemingly meaningless meeting may hold an opportunity for you to do something pleasing, whether it be compliment a stranger walking by, which may change their mood for the day, or just saying thank you. Days Away had a great line in one of their songs: 'Well its the simplest things we tend to ignore, and its the simplest things that mean so much more...'

Anyway, I know that certain people have been put into my life, and while I don't always understand why, I can see how they have influenced me, which is amazing. God has given me some seriously wonderful people, and even though things don't go the way I want them to, He has used those people to challenge me, help me grow, and even reward me. I couldn't be more blessed than to have the company that I do. So, even if someone seems really rotten and not worth your time, maybe it is Jesus placing someone in your circle, to help out, influence, and share His love with. You never know what may happen. When I first met Matt, Toby, and those guys, I was a hyper little person, swearing up a storm, with no real cares about much. I was definitely not really someone I would ever think those guys would have taken in and loved the way have. Now look at me! I'm not a lot better, but I think I'm pretty ok, and have changed a lot. Those people in my life, especially Matt, have probably been the absolute greatest gift [other than Reggie] I will ever receive.

Don't disregard people too quickly. You never know what their purpose in your life may turn out to be.

Philippians 1:6

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."

The last couple of days I have felt extremely rotten. Partly because I feel really guilty for leaving a friend when she needed me, and not being able to offer her the type of support that she really needs. I never can give any type of advice, and getting close to someone, even a friend, is such a difficulty for me. I can't ever find the right words to say, and then actually getting them out of my mouth is even worse.

Among other things, I don't feel so close to the Lord. I've had moments of thinking 'Why do I even bother? What do I believe in Jesus? What does it even matter...because it's just too hard to do anything right.' Its a terrible way of thinking, to not even understand your own beliefs or to be able to explain why you feel the way you do. I always hated english classes in high school, and could never write an essay to save myself. I guess my answer, if someone were to ask me why I am a Christian, would just be Jesus. I was given faith in Him from the Lord, and that's it. It's a gift I was given, without even asking for it, or knowing that I wanted it, but its the most perfect gift one could receive.

I came into work this morning, and I have a widget on my desktop that gives me daily bible verses, and that Philippians verse was on my screen. We're studying Philippians in church right now, and went over this verse the other week. I was very much relieved when I read it this morning. It was absolutely perfect for the way I feel right now. Jesus has been calling me to Him, and in those times when I feel like I'm completely nothing and feel like such a total failure, this verse reminds me that it is still not up to me. Jesus has started something within me, which is why I am so much more aware of falling short, and He loves me and has been taking care of me for so long, and He will continue to do so and force me to grow. It makes me feel like such a speck, and makes me feel so stupid that I even question His plan for me. But good grief, its seriously hard. Its so easy to just let go and say you don't care and just do whatever I want. But I know better than that.

With the recent situation, I'm very frustrated at myself for not being a positive in my friend's life, and feel like I should take a lot of the blame for what happened. Another friend told me that it's not up to me to take care of other people, and I shouldn't feel so responsible for their choices, which is understandable and agreed. At the same time, I can't shed all the guilt, and shouldn't, because I definitely could have made better choices, as well, and not contribute to her downfall.

My main point is that faith should not be lost in times when you feel failure or feel that things are too difficult. If you ask for the Lord's help, he will help you. He will give you exactly what you need, which may not be what you want, or what you think would be best, which is another hard thing to accept. Just always remember that He loves you and will use any situation to better you and work out His plan. Praise Jesus, huh?!

Welcome to the wonderful World of Entertainment (WOE is me....)

New blog. Yay. Hopefully I can make this one a little more meaningful than my other random posting I've had going on throughout the internet.


My blog title is from a Jurassic 5 song, in case you weren't hip to it. Jurassic 5 are such a great hip-hop group. It's inspiring to hear lyrics that aren't gangster rap, constant swearing, cheap chorus lines, and to be accompanied by music and samples that are absolutely perfect for each song.


I've been thinking a lot lately about the whole entertainment scene, and its just so different how I am now, compared to when I first started college. I'm different, but still so much the same. Its very depressing. I remember when music was seriously my life, knowing about every band, where they were from, where they were touring, when they were recording, what they were doing in their time off. I wanted to have all the information. I could list of most record label's rosters, and knew so many songs. I also worked in radio, so it was part of my job to have information like that, to make my show more interesting. Once I started dating Matt, I got into the side of actually knowing the bands, and some of the backstage people. I learned so much more about the business. At the same time, I was made to feel a little guilty because I still wanted to keep up on all these things and grow my list of contacts. To me, it was still business and I wanted to find a place in it.

Now, I'm pretty much out of the music business. I could barely tell you what some of my favorite bands are doing, let alone anything about labels, tours, records, etc. I don't buy new music, I don't keep up on anything. There are just so many effing bands out there and so many shows, that I just get frustrated and say 'forget it!'. I get the same feeling when I enter the video store to try and rent a movie, too much to choose from, and I always go home with the same films over and over. Matt also made me feel pretty crappy, indirectly, by always telling me stories about how he hated being on the road, and he didn't really like all these people who would come talk to him and want to get his screenname and add him on myspace. But he'd have to be nice to them, just because. It really made me think that's how everyone I had come to known viewed me. I'm sure there are those who do feel that way, which is fine, but there are some people who I know aren't like that, but in the back of my head is that thought, and it makes me just close up. I noticed it pretty bad when I recently saw my friends PJ and Ben, from Armor For Sleep. I've known these guys for a few years now, and have hung out with them numerous times and had many conversations with them. We're not exactly buddies, but we're not acquaintances, either. But this time, I just was so nervous and didn't know what to say or how to act. They're people I wish I were better friends with, just because its been so long, and I don't want to just be some fan girl. They're very interesting people and I just would like to not just be an Armor fan. Anyway, they definitely noticed as well and asked why I was acting so weird, which made me feel a little relief, but at the same time, even worse because I'd been such an idiot.


I suppose the general meaning to this post is that I'm pretty tired of the entertainment world, and WOE is me is right. But I can't get out of it, because I still love music and I love all the amazing people I get to meet from all across the continent. Its just becoming more apparent who the people are that I want to try and get to know better and keep in my life, even past all this scene stuff, and its ridiculous how many people are just out of control and who I want to keep at a safe distance. Its hard to decipher sometimes between the two, but over time, they'll weed themselves out. I've been so bummed out lately, from overworking [I'm completely burnt out on this job...sad], losing my best friend [not a death, just life], situations with close friends, and over-contemplating my own life and purpose. I lose track of how incredibly blessed I am to be here today and to be able to even have these things to write about.


Time to get back to work. I promise, I won't make my future posts nearly this long. There will be direction, purpose, and clear conclusions.