- God put Matt [and the other guys] in my life as lights towards Him. Which is awesome, and I completely see and understand that. There are a lot of sucky things between Matt and I, which I have no idea how to deal with. My first act was practically deleting him from my life, no calls, IM's, emails, messages, nothing. Even attending his show Saturday, and not going near him or speaking to him. And I felt horrible, and did not want it to be like that. So Sunday I had dinner with him in Portland, and made sure to not to bring anything up. There's no point. It's done, so why bother? I have to keep him at a distance, in order for us to be ok. But I should not eject him from my life just because we didn't work out in a romantic relationship.
- God put Brendan in my life as someone completely different, who really pushed me to be myself, but to be myself in the soft, girly, sweet and loving person. Which is pretty awesome. My conversation with him last night was very enlightening and even though I ended up in tears, it was ok, and will be ok. I don't know anyone else, other than my very first boyfriend, who made me feel the way he did. But he told me that he wanted me to see how I was or could be, and looking at it now, I reallllly liked who I was around him. Which means that I am capable, but sucky that its not with him. How tricky that can be. But I'm certainly very grateful for him in my life. I don't even feel like never speaking to him again, because there's no reason not to. He's great. Now, meeting this girl who lives here in Seattle that he's into.....well, I don't know how I'm going to handle that.
God certainly has given us something incredible to deal with and to experience, emotions and feelings and a consciousness/awareness.
I have far too much free time here at work in the off-season, and my mind just contemplates every part of my life. This sucks.
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