My blog title is from a Jurassic 5 song, in case you weren't hip to it. Jurassic 5 are such a great hip-hop group. It's inspiring to hear lyrics that aren't gangster rap, constant swearing, cheap chorus lines, and to be accompanied by music and samples that are absolutely perfect for each song.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the whole entertainment scene, and its just so different how I am now, compared to when I first started college. I'm different, but still so much the same. Its very depressing. I remember when music was seriously my life, knowing about every band, where they were from, where they were touring, when they were recording, what they were doing in their time off. I wanted to have all the information. I could list of most record label's rosters, and knew so many songs. I also worked in radio, so it was part of my job to have information like that, to make my show more interesting. Once I started dating Matt, I got into the side of actually knowing the bands, and some of the backstage people. I learned so much more about the business. At the same time, I was made to feel a little guilty because I still wanted to keep up on all these things and grow my list of contacts. To me, it was still business and I wanted to find a place in it.
Now, I'm pretty much out of the music business. I could barely tell you what some of my favorite bands are doing, let alone anything about labels, tours, records, etc. I don't buy new music, I don't keep up on anything. There are just so many effing bands out there and so many shows, that I just get frustrated and say 'forget it!'. I get the same feeling when I enter the video store to try and rent a movie, too much to choose from, and I always go home with the same films over and over. Matt also made me feel pretty crappy, indirectly, by always telling me stories about how he hated being on the road, and he didn't really like all these people who would come talk to him and want to get his screenname and add him on myspace. But he'd have to be nice to them, just because. It really made me think that's how everyone I had come to known viewed me. I'm sure there are those who do feel that way, which is fine, but there are some people who I know aren't like that, but in the back of my head is that thought, and it makes me just close up. I noticed it pretty bad when I recently saw my friends PJ and Ben, from Armor For Sleep. I've known these guys for a few years now, and have hung out with them numerous times and had many conversations with them. We're not exactly buddies, but we're not acquaintances, either. But this time, I just was so nervous and didn't know what to say or how to act. They're people I wish I were better friends with, just because its been so long, and I don't want to just be some fan girl. They're very interesting people and I just would like to not just be an Armor fan. Anyway, they definitely noticed as well and asked why I was acting so weird, which made me feel a little relief, but at the same time, even worse because I'd been such an idiot.
I suppose the general meaning to this post is that I'm pretty tired of the entertainment world, and WOE is me is right. But I can't get out of it, because I still love music and I love all the amazing people I get to meet from all across the continent. Its just becoming more apparent who the people are that I want to try and get to know better and keep in my life, even past all this scene stuff, and its ridiculous how many people are just out of control and who I want to keep at a safe distance. Its hard to decipher sometimes between the two, but over time, they'll weed themselves out. I've been so bummed out lately, from overworking [I'm completely burnt out on this job...sad], losing my best friend [not a death, just life], situations with close friends, and over-contemplating my own life and purpose. I lose track of how incredibly blessed I am to be here today and to be able to even have these things to write about.
Time to get back to work. I promise, I won't make my future posts nearly this long. There will be direction, purpose, and clear conclusions.
2 comments:
i remember matt telling me about how he didn't like all these people being all over him because of his band all the time, too...it made me feel really sad and insecure as well, because like you, i am "friends" with a lot of band members. and i couldn't help but wonder if that's the only way they'd ever seen me, too.
I know he doesn't mean to make us feel that way, but he really doesn't realize what an effect it has on us. I don't know where it is that we shouldn't allow ourselves to be so insecure, and where he should be more aware of his influence. It sucks.
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