Philippians 1:6

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."

The last couple of days I have felt extremely rotten. Partly because I feel really guilty for leaving a friend when she needed me, and not being able to offer her the type of support that she really needs. I never can give any type of advice, and getting close to someone, even a friend, is such a difficulty for me. I can't ever find the right words to say, and then actually getting them out of my mouth is even worse.

Among other things, I don't feel so close to the Lord. I've had moments of thinking 'Why do I even bother? What do I believe in Jesus? What does it even matter...because it's just too hard to do anything right.' Its a terrible way of thinking, to not even understand your own beliefs or to be able to explain why you feel the way you do. I always hated english classes in high school, and could never write an essay to save myself. I guess my answer, if someone were to ask me why I am a Christian, would just be Jesus. I was given faith in Him from the Lord, and that's it. It's a gift I was given, without even asking for it, or knowing that I wanted it, but its the most perfect gift one could receive.

I came into work this morning, and I have a widget on my desktop that gives me daily bible verses, and that Philippians verse was on my screen. We're studying Philippians in church right now, and went over this verse the other week. I was very much relieved when I read it this morning. It was absolutely perfect for the way I feel right now. Jesus has been calling me to Him, and in those times when I feel like I'm completely nothing and feel like such a total failure, this verse reminds me that it is still not up to me. Jesus has started something within me, which is why I am so much more aware of falling short, and He loves me and has been taking care of me for so long, and He will continue to do so and force me to grow. It makes me feel like such a speck, and makes me feel so stupid that I even question His plan for me. But good grief, its seriously hard. Its so easy to just let go and say you don't care and just do whatever I want. But I know better than that.

With the recent situation, I'm very frustrated at myself for not being a positive in my friend's life, and feel like I should take a lot of the blame for what happened. Another friend told me that it's not up to me to take care of other people, and I shouldn't feel so responsible for their choices, which is understandable and agreed. At the same time, I can't shed all the guilt, and shouldn't, because I definitely could have made better choices, as well, and not contribute to her downfall.

My main point is that faith should not be lost in times when you feel failure or feel that things are too difficult. If you ask for the Lord's help, he will help you. He will give you exactly what you need, which may not be what you want, or what you think would be best, which is another hard thing to accept. Just always remember that He loves you and will use any situation to better you and work out His plan. Praise Jesus, huh?!